Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Make room in the breakdown lane - here I come!

So it finally happened. I thought it was there but I didn't think it would come today. Or perhaps I did.

I didn't cycle to work yesterday because I felt bad. I didn't cycle today either because I felt....uninspired.

For the past few days I've not had an appetite which is really odd for me.

I've not slept well in well over three years but for the past few days it's been even worse.

I've felt capable but also like I had caught a heavy dose of anxiety and depression. I ended up having to leave work today. I went to my doctor and of course I broke down, in tears, barely able to speak.

I'm on a mental health plan. That should make me feel better right away now, shouldn't it? What it means is that because my doctor diagnosed me with high levels of anxiety, stress and depression I'm allowed to claim some of the cost of the counseling I so apparently need on Medicare. Thank Christ for that! It's going to cost $150 and I will get back $80. Don't ever get mental health problems unless you're rich enough to afford it. It costs an arm and a leg (and probably whatever else they can get off you).

But here I am. I'm a "survivor" of two abusive marriages. I'm raising a learning disabled child. I feel capable, no I know I'm capable, and I know I'm good at my job. I know I'm smart and I have finally begun to realize that I, contrary to what my lack of self esteem used to tell me, am worthy of and can have friends. Yes, some people actually like me. I inspire some people. I advice people. I motivate people. I help people. I lead people. I feel better about myself than I have in freaking decades. I am all that and yet I am now going to see a psychologist because something in me is breaking. Something is making me anxious and sad. Something in me is unwell and needs help.

I can reason with all this. I can even see how this has happened. I can sense it at work. I can make sense of it. I can almost feel the chemical imbalance in my brain that's causing this. I can do all that and yet there's something about it that's a mystery to me.

Right now I want to be wrapped in cotton, be surrounded by lovely animals and people, paint something (not something sad and terrible but something beautiful because that's how I feel) and I just want to sit and watch the sky. I want to slow down for a bit. And I want to keep that worried look I saw in my boss' eyes when I told her I was leaving early today. She looked like she cared. The Sharpei cared. Somehow that gives me hope. Don't quite know why.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

IDoCurrr

Apparently IDoCurr today. It's been brewing for a while this probably because been suffering from a want to cut my long blond locks off in favor of a short spiky hair do. Rebellious like.

One of the reasons I haven't, apart from that it takes years to grow back should I change my mind, is that I don't want people to think I'm too old for that sort of thing. Just like I wonder if people think I'm too old to wear cargo pants and All Star sneakers. But I like wearing that stuff you know. It it comfort.

I don't think you'll ever find me squeezing into frumpy clothes but there are days when I realize it's easier to conform than to be what you want to be. At the same time though, I know how bloody hard it is for me to conform. It gives me headaches, indigestion and usually results in me saying something controversially stupid just to contradict the picture they're getting of me.

I'm not easy to live with. I'm not talking about for O, Bee or even the cats. I'm talking about me living with me. The hair cutting thing is just one example. Then of course O looks at me today and says "You know sometimes I think you'd look really good in short hair.." "Spiky?" I say. "Yeah spiky, of course."

Stop reading my mind. You're not helping me. Conform. Being normal. Behaving well.

I have a letter to formulate. About a principal behaving badly and not playing nice with the other children aka me. I'm writing it to the district. I have had enough. Retribution. Maybe that will stop me from cutting my hair.

IDonCurrr

I've had the life sucked out of me. I'm certain of it. I just don't have the will or energy to move my arse into anything that resembles gear and that results in action. I just can't be stuffed. IDonCurrr.

I got something that resembles I cold I think but it's one of those sneaky colds that makes you feel crappy and sees to it that your nose is full of sticky gunk so you can't breathe properly. Apart from that you really appear normal. That means that if you start behaving like you're sick others think you're either faking it or being a big girl's blouse about it.

A lot of this about work and my new boss. She's sucking the life out of fun at work and I can't even really be bothered to think about how I'm going to get through this week. It's horrible. I like being little Ms Motivation. :). I like to inspire my team to excel. I like to hear jokes and see smiles while we produce insane amounts of documentation. I don't like knowing they hate going to work.

I watched The Yes Men Fix the World today. Bad mistake. They're doing what I would like to be doing. If I had the guts....and the money. I am so over capitalism and how big business comes before people. Big business has become this entity that has a life of its own. If it's good for the business then to hell with what it does to people and never mind what it does to individuals. I'm ready to go communist. I'll eat cabbage and not get paid for over six months. If the Russians could do it so can I? Maybe. Tomorrow. Or not.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

No1Currr

Election in NSW today. Labour has suffered a crushing defeat after having been in power at state level for...eons..

A crushing defeat is, roughly translated and at current stats, 66 seats for the Liberals versus 16 seats for Labour. Three seats are "other" and none have gone to the Greens (despite that man representing the Greens today at the polling booths being such a jolly nice chap to me.

Politics. I used to take an active interest but nowadays I don't even vote. That's unusual if you live in Australia where they actually fine you if you don't vote (although my ex-husband escaped being fined two times in a row just by claiming that there were no decent choices - my idea BTW - true story). I would be an Australian citizen were it not for them forcing me to vote - true story.

Politics. No1Currr. Just read it out loud. No1Currr.

I had a very bad day with a rabid principle of a school attacking me personally (verbally - no teeth involved!) for the second time - true story which I will probably tell you all about another day. I have a letter of complaint to write, a career to destroy and sleep to get where I can dream of retribution.

I'm so tired I could eat a horse. Or sleep. Something like that.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Mum, I accidentally kicked Sam three times."

 Bee called me today at work to tell me this:

“Mum, I accidentally kicked Sam three times. Well, the first time was because he annoyed me but the second and third times were accidental.”

One of the things I love about that child is that she can't lie.

One of the things I don't love about that child is that she "accidentally" do a lot of things. She accidentally bought Coke (the drink - come on!) on the way home from school yesterday. She accidentally picked up the cat which annoyed him. We're going to have to talk about the definition of "accidentally". Soon.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Perplexing

Why is that we see more about the possibility that there will be a meltdown in the nuclear plant in Fukushima than anything else that's happened in Japan?

What happens if the reactor goes kaboom? People will die. It's a horrible thought. It's frightening to even contemplate.

While we ponder what may happen, while we fear that people will die from radiation poisoning, people have already died and people are suffering as a result of a catastrophe. This is also something we really need to keep in our mind. This is also what we need to pay attention to.

Just because radiation makes better news because of the fear it invokes in us.

I find this perplexing.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Japan Thing

The whole Japan thing.

I struggle with it.

It makes me feel powerless.

It makes me wonder if we couldn't do more.

Why are there still people stuck in places where they can't get food and water?

Surely we have the technology and resources to help these people!

Are our priorities right? I don't think so. We are so wealthy and yet so powerless to help. It doesn't make sense to me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Climate Weapon - USA must stop using it

I was talking to a guy at work yesterday who happens to be married to a Russian girl. What this guy lacks in looks he makes up in humor and just plain weird trivia knowledge.

He was telling D and I about how his wife showed him an article from a Russian newspaper recently (and it was in Russian so he had to take his wife's word for it). It was all about how the USA is using the Climate Weapon on Russia. The Climate Weapon. It just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? It just conjures up images of all sorts of weather nasty, doesn't it? I think I could just say that all night!

Anyway.

While we've been blissfully unaware the Russians have not lost sight of how sneaky the Americans can be. No, sir!

While most of us Western slackers are pretty much over the whole cold war thing it appears that our Russian comrades up there in the north are not and maybe with good reason They're still suspicious of what the Americans doods are up to and they're telling it like it is. They're pretty sick of the hella cold weather up there.

Personally I'm looking for something or someone to pin the blame on for the Queensland flooding and hurricane Yasi on and I'm thinking that the Climate Weapon makes pretty good sense.


So like to our American brothers and sisters I would like to say:

Can ya'll please lay off with the Climate Weapon?

The Russians know you have it. They are onto you and they don't want to have to use the Climate Weapon back on you because of course they have it too but they're too nice to use it. They're not just saying that.

And don't think that saying that because you've had a rough winter over there in North America too it will somehow camouflage the fact that you've been using the Climate Weapon  on the Russians. The Russians know (because they have it too but they're too nice to use it, remember?) that sometimes using the Climate Weapon backfires and the weather goes kinda wonky and nuts where you are too.

So like put it away and we can all go back to having normal weather!

And for god's sake do something about Charlie Sheen!

Charlie Sheen when he was cute and innocent, human even.

Charlie Sheen when he...WTF is he now?
I'm pretty damned sure he's mutated into being something inhuman....or unhuman.
I don't know what the hell he is now! There's not even a word for it invented yet!
He's scaring the crap out of me and I don't care if it takes an operation the size of Desert Storm to stop him, he needs to be stopped!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Arsehole week continues!

Arsehole (and I use the British version 'cause it seems less rude) week continues and it isn’t showing any signs of running out of steam.

I’m trying to keep a low profile so I’m less of a target but it’s almost impossible to hide. It appears that not only do they hunt in packs, they’re also organized (which I suppose is an advantage if you're a pack) and they have a sense of smell so keen it’s impossible to hide for any length of time. So far the score is definitely in their favor.

I’ve told you how I moved back in August (except I deleted all older posts at the beginning of the year and now I’m referring to an actual event that happened before that and now I want them back….).

The house O, Bee and I moved into have become known as the "House of Props". What was an absolute beauty on the surface has proved to be a bit of a lemon. One day O was talking to me while I was having a bath. In mid conversation he suddenly found himself holding a towel rack in his hand and it was completely independent of the wall it had been attached to! Without skipping so much as a beat he showed it back onto the wall. It’s pretty much how the whole house is constructed.

Some time ago I noticed a couple of small holes developing in the backyard. We notified the real estate agent and they notified the owner and he notified his chosen handyman. Rey the handyman just put a concrete block over it to cover it. I think we were meant to forget about the whole thing which we tried.

We lifted that block a few weeks ago and it turned out the two small holes were now one giant hole and other little holes had developed near it away from the concrete block. Rey, who knows how to fix anything (although not necessarily well) turned up with four metal poles and some tape. We now have what looks like a crime scene in our backyard and I’m willing to bet money the neighbors are talking!

Rey on the other hand was rather pleased with the solution. Now no one will fall into the hole accidently he told me. I don’t know about that. The first thing the cats did was to take one look at the setup then jump straight into the cordoned off area as if had been created for their amusement. The tape was there to jump over and the poles were there to run around. They looked like little happy billy goats.

I wrote a stern letter to the real estate agent and tried not to cry. I used to have nightmares about my ex-husband hiding bodies in the backyard. It’s just a little too close to home you know.

I was going to add a chalk outline to make it more realistic but there's such a thing as being too obvious.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Charlie Sheen's responsible - of that I'm certain

It seems that lately we've been doing a lot of disaster watching on the net.

The latest one, and by far the worst one so far, is the earthquake and resulting tsunami in Japan.

Both O and I have this theory (I don't know if that's the right word...it's more like we have this suspicion or have drawn the conclusion perhaps) that it's as if Earth has started to find us so annoying that she's trying to shake us off like a dog does fleas. We're beginning to irritate her.

You have to marvel the sheer energy needed to cause something like an earthquake of the magnitude of the Japan earthquake. It's enormous! Not only is it enormous, it's also chaotic.

We know of only one force in the Universe that could possibly generate a chaotic force of that magnitude at this point in time and it's Charlie Sheen. They took him away and locked him up you know. He's probably a bit pissed off. He's missing his Tiger blood. His thinking's a bit muddled. Charlie Sheen's responsible for this one - of that I'm certain.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Award for Being Unconscious and Nasty at the Same Time Goes to *drumroll* ME!

I woke up the other morning and O was grinning from ear to ear at me . I could tell he was amused and my suspicious mind naturally jumped to the conclusion that some time during the night I had done something funny in my sleep. My suspicions were not unfounded.

O told me to put my head back on my pillows so he could show what funny and cute little thing I'd done. I did. The next thing I know both pillows are yanked out from under my head in, shall we say, a rather violent way.

My protests at being treated so cruelly were met with laughs and assurances that I had been very cute. WTF? is what I thought while rubbing my now whiplashed neck.

Apparently I had yanked O's pillows out from under his sleepy little head in the middle of the night. When he protested and asked for them back I apparently hugged them tight. "My bed. My pillows," I said (or so he told me and apparently that was the cute part...).

He did get them pillows back off me somehow and he assures me that the whole episode was "cute". I can't help but to feel like a selfish bitch. I mean what person goes and steals pillows from someone sleeping? The kind who steals candy from little kiddies ('cause I just know that's next...)?

Farting

I was reading another blog, one I've just stumbled across the other day and found to be very compatible with my taste, and it was talking about farting. I've been avoiding that subject here but I just have to talk about it now. I mean it's OK to talk about it. She did. In her blog. It's a bit personal but we're all friends here, aren't we? AREN'T WE?!


O and I just passed our first year anniversary. It's been one year since we met in person after having tentatively made contact on some internet dating site (I was so not looking for action! I swear I wasn't). We'd messaged and then graduated to phone calls. The only reason I decided I could possibly survive meeting O was that he sounded educated (not in the snobby way) and quite sane (although it's possibly quite the opposite that's the truth).

One thing I very quickly realized about O was the he was utterly shameless and unapologetic about farting. He would just let one rip and when I looked at him disapprovingly he just shrugged.

I was brought up in a household where that kind of thing was frowned upon in the most severe way. (Weird thing is I clearly remember my older brother sitting on me farting for funsies and my mother having the most vicious cheek flapping farts I've ever heard or even heard about.) I was suddenly faced with having a complete crisis. I liked this guy and it turned out he's a god damned public farter!

Well here we are a year later and I guess you could say we 're happy. Our relationship may be unconventional in some ways but the honesty is there, the honesty that allows one to let one rip and really enjoy it.

Nowadays, if the mood is right, I even allow myself to have a giggle about it. But I can't stop the habit I have of apologizing for farting. It's an automated function so very well entrenched that one could say it's etched deeply into my psyche (by my mothers disapproving looks). It's OK though. I'm free to fart.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It's totally arseholes week!

You know when you have one of those weeks where all the people you suspect have the real potential to be arseholes are behaving like real arseholes, and then some completely unexpected contenders join in and there's people acting like arseholes everywhere? You know what I'm talking about, right?

Well I'm having one of those weeks it seems (and the scary thing it's only Tuesday). It's like I'm wearing an arsehole attractor or something.

It's like they're waking up from hibernation and the first thought that arises in their puny little minds is to be an arsehole and the first person who springs to mind that they can inflict this upon is me.


So like bring it on arseholes! I'm ready and able. I'm ready to take on a whole convention of arseholes!

I swear they stick together and hunt in packs!

I have a theory though. I think that when you get an upsurge of bad it can only mean that things will get really good soon. Just clear a lot of negative crap out first to make room for nice!

Or maybe it's just that it feels nice when it stops....

Friday, March 4, 2011

Mardi Gras in Sydney always makes me think (of things past)

Living in Sydney, Australia, inevitably means that you associate this time of the year with the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras. It’s been an important part of this town since 1978 and so has the controversy surrounding it.

Personally I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about whom people have sex with and for good reason. There are a lot of people that you’d rather not think about in that way. That aside, I also happen to think that who we choose to love is really no business of others.

Years ago my ex-husband, who is a rampant homophobe (except for when it came to really cute lesbians who didn’t mind including a man in their fun), asked me what I would do if my daughter turned out to be a lesbian. I answered “I would hope that she would find someone who loved her and who treated her well”. I really just wanted Bee to be happy and I still do. Being in a good relationship is just nice, isn't it?

I find it hard to understand people who don’t think this way, I have to admit. What business is it of theirs what other people do? What makes them think that their way, their opinions, their thinking, is so superior to that of the people who accept same sex love?

The point I want to make is that for a lot of people the Sydney Mardi Gras is not just a spectacle and a party. To a lot of people it symbolizes the struggle a lot of homosexuals have had to go through to be accepted by some parts of our society. Maybe the prejudice has waned a little but there are still enormous hurdles and a lot of discrimination they have to contend with. Simple little things like migrating to be with a loved one from another country is not as easy if you’re a same sex couple as it is if you’re of opposite genders.

The Mardi Gras serves as an important reminder to us all that there are people in our society who still struggle to be recognized as full human beings and to be given the same rights as most people of that same society.

It’s a beacon of hope for any kid who grows up realizing that they’re gay but finding themselves in a situation where they’re not accepted because of it.

It’s a thorn in the side of the people who don’t have hearts big enough to include gays in humanity giving them the same rights as heterosexuals. It will continue to chip away at prejudice until we can look back and laugh about how bloody intolerant society was in the past.

Yesterday my friend D married her fiancé in Hawaii. D proposed to her fiancé 10 years ago. It’s been a long time coming and even though it won’t be a marriage recognized here in Australia it’s being celebrated by most of her family and all of her friends. For D it has a bigger meaning than just making her commitment to her partner official; for her it’s part of the fight to get equal rights for same sex couples.

In another life, back in the 90s when AIDS was the big scary, I knew a lady who counselled people who suffered from AIDS. Most of them were gay men. Many of them had been rejected by their families long before they contracted AIDS just because they were gay.

For years I had the privilege to have Christmas Day lunch with a motley crew of gay men who had no family that would celebrate with them. We met at Sandy’s place for a proper Christmas Day celebration problem.

It was Sandy, my ex-husband (no.1 – the non-homophobe) and I representing the heterosexual fraction and hoard of 20 or so gay men. The memories I have of these sessions are as fond as those I have of spending Christmas at Grandma’s as a kid.

The one thing with those Christmas Day get-togethers was that from year to year there would never be the same people. I never met one of them for a second time. They were all slowly dying by the time I got to meet them.

They were outcasts who had nowhere else to go because they even scared their own community being reminders of what will happen when you get AIDS (remember the days when having AIDS meant certain death?) but they joked, they laughed, they had fun and they enjoyed. It was a bloody blessing being in their company because nothing would prevent these guys from enjoying their last chance to celebrate Christmas with “the family”.

It made such an impression on me that I just cannot see the Mardi Gras as just a frivolous excuse for having a party. I was there in the middle of the god damned AIDS crisis hugging the walking dead and crying about how fucking unfair it is to have to die without your family around you, not because you’ve chosen to but because you're different and happen to love people of the same sex. It makes me angry to think that homosexuals still have to fight to have their relationships given the same status us heterosexuals take for granted. What's the difference?

One of the people I remember the clearest from those days was a guy I met at Sandy's engagement party. We had been invited to a local pub of fair size. My ex-husband and I had arrived early and I headed for the bar to get us a couple of drinks while he looked for people we knew.

I ordered the drinks and as I waited I realized that I was standing next to a guy who clearly showed signs of what they used to call "gay cancer". He was in the late stages of dying from AIDS, that much was clear. I asked him if he was part of Sandy's party and we ended up having a bit of a chat because to be honest he looked more than a little lonely sitting there.

He told me that his sister had come up from Melbourne to spend time with him. She was the only one in his family who still spoke to him. At the end of the night he found me when we were about to leave and he thanked me for talking to him and being so nice. I was a little stunned. His sister told me that it had meant a lot to him.

I ended up giving him a hug before I left. When I wrapped my arms around him I could tell how starved he was for touch. When this happened many people still thought you could get AIDS from just touching someone infected. Three weeks later I was told he'd died.

It makes me so angry to think that we're still so intolerant towards people who are different. I still makes me angry to think that it's somehow OK to discriminate against people who for some reason happen to be attracted to people of the same sex. What difference does it make? I mean really, has it really got any effect on your life who they make love to? The world is going to hell in a hand basket as it is, surely love is exactly what we need as the antidote no matter what shape it comes in?

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