I'm just not a happy camper today. I went back to work two weeks ago and it's a great job. I was feeling a lot better after doing a lot of recovery from the (stupid) fibromyalgia (crap) I've been dealing with. I was (almost) feeling grateful until I woke up yesterday morning realising I could barely move. I had somehow managed to throw back out during the night and since it happened while I was sleeping there was nothing or no one else to blame but myself or my stupid body.
I spent the whole day yesterday with a tens machine strapped to my back watching survival programs on YouTube because nothing cheers me up like watching macho guys eat scorpions and raw snake. It's a survival strategy of my own that I have perfected throughout the time my fribromyalgia was kicking my butt.
Did I mention I'm not a happy camper today?
I had my heart set on writing this weekend. I have project I started for an intuitive coaching site. I was going to sit down to empty my mind of the extreme wisdom it contains onto this site, a site a very lovely friend of mine insisted on coming over to help me set up. I know he did it to make me feel slightly obligated to actually do something with that part of my life. I'm a little mad at him now for knowing that that kind of thing works awesomely well with me. I literally feel obligated to work on that site. You could be forgiven to think that it's a bad thing the way I'm talking about it here and now but it's really good. I'm finally going to get this done and it's largely because of his trickiness and wily manipulation of me.
It's not the pain in my back that has me so cranky; it's the being stopped in my tracks again, the being forced to sit down and take it easy. After eight months of doing just that I feel a little like I should be able to take the world by storm and just power through basically anything. I feel like I should be like a female version of the Rock except not as obsessed with training and diet but still equally and amazingly fit, and oozing of wholesome positivity. Oh, and blonder. A lot blonder and paler. But, still the same age range kind of and still as amazingly fit and positive.
The truth is that I'm not.
I have become incredibly adept at handling pain and to the point that any pain that is not threatening to stop me from getting up and moving or that's not chronic just don't register properly. I've been assured this is part of having been on chronic pain and that my brain will rewire itself again to become normal with the way it handles pain response. Go ahead I say, mainstream if that's what you want brain but in the meantime could you please concentrate a bigger part of your process on making sure I don't get hurt again. It's important to me. I'm just saying.
But, here's another things that's really bothering me with this. Being cranky that is. I've been looking into what's been working for me in the past few years. I've been looking at how I've been setting goals and how they have or haven't been achieved. I've been looking at how my wishes and wants have manifested, at what rate and how accurately. I've realised that I've had some brilliant results in some areas and in others while I've not gone backwards I've not made a lot of progress either. I've been doing a lot of thinking about self-sabotage and how I deal with my own beliefs in how good I am at achieving something.
A real eye-opener to me was when I started to think about going back to work and worried about how marketable my skills were, and then ending up with three job offers on the table with two of them being jobs I didn't even apply for. I have a very strong belief in my skills as a technical writer and manager so I don't struggle at all it seems with getting what I want there. I feels so grateful for that but I realise that I have to have a look at how I can apply that to other areas of my life.
Feeling a little better having written this and that's a good thing. Getting to a better mental place is important. I have scoured a lot of my old journals of late and I've realised that I've spent a lot of time whining while offering myself very little solution. So, this here, moving from utter cranky to feeling a little more upbeat and a little more solution focused is what I have discovered to be one of the key things to getting closer to achieving your goals and manifesting stuff you want.
You should try it if you're not already.
I'm just saying.
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